Where is the line between acceptance of an illness and defeat?
Where is the line between groaning under the weight of an illness and being a baby about it?
Where is the line between R&R and being lazy?
Where is the line between exhaustion and having given up?
Where is the line between realistic concern and irrational fear?
The borders are not clear to me and I feel uncertain. There is no handbook where I can look it up. There is nobody whom I can ask. If I get it right it may take me in a positive direction. If I get it wrong it will almost certainly take me in a negative direction.
I feel like I'm on some kind of border and don't know which way to go.
The thing that is sitting most heavily upon me is the fact that I must return to work next Monday, the 9th of January, and I have not been able to properly recover, to re-charge my batteries as of yet. No where near. Is that my own fault? Have I done something wrong? Am I only being a weakling? Or is it, as it would seem to me, especially difficult to recover in my case due to the illness- because it never stops beating on you even while on R&R, never lets go, meaning the body and spirit simply need more time to rest up than a healthy person?
My vacation began one week later than planned due to my work load. I entered vacation thoroughly exhausted in body and mind. Almost the entire first two weeks of that vacation were spent locked in tension and anxiety- which has only begun to subside the past few days and which I fear could return if I'm not careful. Now I have less than one week left.
I began to feel a sense of panic yesterday afternoon. Panic at the thought of going back to work next Monday without having gotten back to strength, and having to go right back to operating on reserves until my next vacation in August. I have become so afraid of emotions that I suppressed that panic, afraid that it would hijack me and I wouldn't get back out again. Then I began feeling sad about it. It seemed like the weight of the whole world settled upon my shoulders and a few involuntary tears came. For a moment I thought, "I just cannot make it, it's just too much, this daily plodding on and on and on with my brain like this and those seizures and migraines." I suppressed that sadness as well, again afraid that it would hijack me.
Where is the line between groaning under the weight of an illness and being a baby about it?
The thought came to me yesterday that I wish I could go to a health resort for a while, maybe a month or two. A "Wellness Kur." Not to have fun, but rather to get away from it all and REALLY be able to rest.
Where is the line between taking R&R and being lazy?
I feel the need to do something all of the time here at home during my vacation: repairs, extra cleaning, spending more time with Conny, etc, but it's all been too little because I've simply felt exhausted and can't really get going- and I was doing so badly those first two weeks that I felt I could hardly breathe. A few of small repairs, a little cleaning, some time with Conny, yes, but no where near as much as I had planned- or as much as Conny herself would have wished. As soon as I began feeling a little better I wanted to get more active right away and do more work around the place, get out and do more things with Conny.
The conflict within me is this: I feel like I should be doing more, but I feel like I need to be doing less.
Where is the line between taking R&R and being lazy?
I always assume that I'm simply being lazy...
I always assume that I'm simply being a baby...
I always assume that I'm simply being a weakling...
But is that really true???
I'm looking at this rationally this morning, not whining. I simply don't know what to do about all of this. How in the world am I going to make it?
Where is the handbook?
Where is the person I can ask?
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