Maybe my emotional storm is finally subsiding, slowly but surely, and I'm calming down a little.
I sure hope so.
I had one complex partial seizure yesterday afternoon, and it left me with a not-too-bad migraine which stayed with me the rest of the day. But I was calmer inside, making everything easier to handle. Inner calmness is the key. The more inner balance, the easier it is to handle life with Epilepsy.
A couple of people have told me that I should just stop thinking about it all the time, stop dwelling on the illness every waking moment, that I'm only making it worse by concentrating on it. Now that's good advice! The only people who can give advice like that are people who don't have Epilepsy. Try ignoring a seizure when you're having it, and that three times a day on average. Try ignoring a migraine that lasts a week, subsides for a couple of days, then starts all over again. Try not thinking about it when suddenly having difficulty talking for a few seconds in the middle of a conversation is part of your daily life, because your brain regularly freezes up on you. Yeah, just don't dwell on it.
How about you try Epilepsy for one month, and then we'll talk about not dwelling on it...
My seizures and migraines can no longer be completely stopped by medication, but they can be kept to a minimum and kept as weak as possible. If I can stay calm and balanced inside I can live and work with them. I've often said that it's the emotional storms that I can't handle, and I think those storms can be clearly seen in many of the entries in this blog. I'm starting to have a sneaking suspicion about those storms. I'm beginning to wonder if they aren't being caused by one of the medications I'm taking- the Lamotrigine. Depression is one of the possible side-effects of that med, and I'm at the highest possible dosage.
The little info sheet in the box says to tell your doctor immediately if you experience any signs of depression or have any suicidal thoughts. I have indicated to him a couple of times that I have encountered "some" emotional difficulties, but as usual I played it down, just like I tend to play my condition down most of the time in front of everyone. I can't hardly imagine telling Dr. Vollhardt the full extent of how deep I fall again and again, because I'm aware of what would happen if I did. There would only be two options if he decided it was the meds: either he would give me an anti-depressant- most likely, or he would switch me from Lamotrigine to another anti-seizure medication.
Both of those are really bad options.
They usually begin by trying an anti-depressant in such cases because that's the simplest option. Just give him another pill and hopefully he'll be happy again.
The second option, switching from Lamotrigine to another medication, is far more difficult- and dangerous.
Any change whatsoever in medication is difficult. Even an increase in dosage must be done slowly, over a period of time, and it is hell on earth until you've gotten used to it. You are really, really out of it, barely able to function. There is also a higher risk of grand mal seizures occurring during the change. You should get a sick slip and stay home from work during such changes, but I always go to work anyway- I don't really get anything done because you really are incapable of doing much, but at least I'm there...
I can only imagine the horror of a complete transition from one medication to another. The one must be slowly reduced- likely over a period of nine weeks in the case of my Lamotrigine, while the new medication is just as slowly introduced. All the while you're in a hell on earth, as I said, and not really able to function, and the risk of having a grand mal seizure is greatly increased during a complete change of medication than it is with a simple increase in dosage. It is highly likely that I'd have to take off work for such a change, I don't know for sure. You really are out of it, barely human.
And you know what? There is no guarantee that the new medication will even work for you, meaning that it might not suppress your seizures at all! If it should turn out to be ineffective for you then the whole thing starts from the beginning again with another medication.
I write a lot about having my daily average of three complex partial seizures but believe me, my seizures are suppressed! They would be debilitating without the medications. I wouldn't be able to work if they weren't suppressed as they are, they would be so bad. Plus, that Lamotrigine has kept me from having any grand mal seizures for four years now.
So I'm very, very afraid of any kind of change.
Yet, something has got to be done about those emotional storms. Things can't go on like this. I guess I'm going to have to be honest with the doctor about them and see what he says. Those storms are just too big for me to handle by myself.
Besides, I'm making a fool of myself in this blog by whining and moaning like a baby all the time ;-)
I'd love to read any thoughts or comments anyone might have...
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