Epilepsy Update 20 December 2016

It is good to be on vacation.

I had considered it possible that there would be an increased danger of having one or more serious seizures after the release from the tension of the last months of working in such an exhausted state, but so far so good. I've been taking it really easy and there's been very little epileptic activity since my vacation began. I've slept in a little bit every morning. I've done a few things around the apartment, nice and easy and relaxed. I've worked out every day, low weight and high reps, slowly and fluidly. 

There is a feeling of sadness on me however, and I mostly feel like being alone, not talking to anyone, not seeing anyone. That's been going on since yesterday. My thoughts drift to the past between sets as I'm  working out, for example, and I think about things that happened to me as a teenager, or mistakes I've made in the past, people I've hurt, and I just want to cry. Yes, the man who once lived a wild, hard life, who once braved 5000 square miles of untouched wilderness all alone, has become so weak that he just wants to cry like a baby sometimes. 

I don't know if it's ok to let that sadness be for a while. I don't know if it's just the normal cycle of life, that people are simply sad sometimes and need to cry it out, then go on, or if this is either the medication, or the Epilepsy messing with my mind, and letting it out will push me over a cliff and into the depths of something that will hold me captive for the next who knows how long. There is no handbook. There is nobody you can ask. 

I'm experiencing a lot of temptation to feel sorry for myself as well at the moment, for my condition, all the limitations, and for being alone with it all emotionally. Part of me wants to let down the shades and neither see nor hear nor talk to anyone, yet I do admit that a tiny part of me does wish once in a while that someone would take me in their arms and just hold me for a while- and understand.

The solution? Stay calm and cool. Go slow and easy. Don't let it get to you. Walk into town and take care of a few things. Do some chores around the apartment. And most importantly, work out...