I wrote yesterday about it being almost impossible for most people to just be still, that people simply have to talk. I also wrote about wanting to be alone so much. The two are connected, of course.
It seems like the key to keeping the constant emotional attacks under control, as well as coping with the seizures and migraines, is maintaining as much inner balance as possible. And the key to that, at least for me, is large amounts of stillness. It's all about staying calm in the storm, letting the winds blow and the lighting flash and the thunder roar, while remaining calm and unruffled and unimpressed by it all. I find it extremely difficult to maintain that inner calm when someone is talking to me, and since it's difficult for most people to just be still I find myself wanting to be alone when I'm not doing well.
I don't think everyone feels the same as I do in that regard. In the various Epilepsy forums and chats, as well as in daily life, I see almost exclusively people who seemingly need to be surrounded by others at all times, seem to love the conversations, even need them.
I'm not always "under attack", don't always have a migraine, but it is all too frequent, I must admit. Yet what should I do? Can I flip a switch and turn it off? Hardly! It's there, part of my life, and it must be dealt with. It's a force to be reckoned with, accepted and coped with. Since I know nobody far and wide who is able to just be still with me, I'll have to be still alone when I need stillness.
I can handle the conversation, the interaction, during good phases, no problem. At those times I can listen to my soon-to-be all evening, giving her my full attention, for example, as she talks about how rough her work day was, or whatever else may be on her mind that particular day. I sometimes wonder, however, if I even have the right to impose myself on her in my condition? She actually needs someone who will listen to her just about every evening. As I said that's no problem in good phases, but it's a real struggle in bad ones and it creates a conflict within me: I really want to be there for her and find myself trying even when I'm doing badly, using up energy I actually need to keep myself from falling into the despair and hopelessness that Epilepsy sometimes brings with it. I might have struggled through work all day with a migraine and having had 2-3 seizures. Then after she gets home from work and starts letting off steam about her day I fight with all of my might to concentrate on what she's saying, but the migraine rages and my brain simply refuses to cooperate! I hear her words, but my brain cannot process them no matter what I do. Their meaning just slips on by me. Sometimes a light seizure or two might even be triggered by it all. I find myself increasingly sinking into chaos and confusion. Wanting, trying, unable.
It's terrible not being able to be there for your partner when she needs you! Conny can get pretty frustrated by it too sometimes, after all, she's only human, but that only lasts a short time. It doesn't take long and she's got me in her arms, telling me how brave I am to go to work every day despite the Epilepsy, providing for us, doing my best to be there for her, etc.
Then come the good phases, where my head is clear, the days are seizure free, where I can listen to her and interact. Now that feels good!
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