I feel strange...
In my post from the 4th of February I mentioned that I had woken up one morning with an extremely strange feeling in the brain. That was the 23rd of January and everything has changed since that day.
That strange feeling became weaker the next day but it hasn't gone away anymore since then. It's still there even as I write this.
I may have chosen a bad time to write a blog post because it would seem that a cluster of complex partial seizures has just begun. They are different since the 23rd of January. I need to stop here for a few minutes until this crap ceases. These seizures have become very unpleasant.
I just can't go on right now...
Later:
I wrote the above around noon and it's evening now. I only had one seizure after all and not a cluster of them, but it was a pretty hard one and it seemed to last forever. I lay in bed through the whole thing and moaned and wished it would end. I felt weak as a cat during the post-ictal phase and had a pretty bad headache for hours after that. I took a walk much later, thinking the fresh air might help with the headache, but it didn't. It did kind of ease up later though and I even managed to work out a little- which helped my spirit feel a little stronger.
I began explaining earlier today that everything has changed since the 23rd of January, the day I woke up feeling so strange. That feeling has remained, though not nearly as strong. Yet it's always there, sizzling in the background. It seems to be that well-known epileptic daze that I often talk about- only it's different as I've already mentioned. How to describe it? Maybe I could say that it's sharper, more intense in a certain way. Concentration is more difficult. There's like more of a buffer between me and the world. I often forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it too, and that hasn't happened in a long time.
The seizures themselves have changed as well. They're more intense and they're nastier, more unpleasant in some inexplicable way. I am often unable to speak for short periods of time during them. I've been having occasional bouts of nausea since that day too. I've written before that nausea scares me because I associate it with grand mal seizures.
I met one of my charges in town last Thursday afternoon, and it was my last appointment of the day. I began to feel weaker and weaker as I walked home from the appointment and felt a sense of relief as I finally walked around the corner and into our courtyard. I stopped to quickly check the mail, and then a heavy complex partial seizure hit me and I went to my knees- right out there in the courtyard next to the mailbox. I must have knelt out there holding onto the side of the house for 5 minutes or so, hoping nobody would come out and see me like that. Nobody did. As soon as it let up a little I made my way into the apartment on shaky legs. I had another seizure about an hour later, but it wasn't quite as bad. I wasn't of much use for anything for the rest of that evening. I can't even tell you what I did anymore.
This is no fun, that's for sure. Sometimes I wonder if it will be this way for the rest of my time here on this earth? Never knowing when the next seizure will hit or how hard it will be? Never leaving the house without my medical bracelet on, my rescue medication and 20,-€ for a taxi with me- just in case? Never knowing how I'll feel the next day but knowing I'll have to go to work anyway- even if it's really bad?
My Father in heaven knows where I am and what I'm going through. If he is allowing me to go through this there must be a reason for it. I trust him fully and without reserve.
I would love to read any comments anyone might have...
I wrote the above around noon and it's evening now. I only had one seizure after all and not a cluster of them, but it was a pretty hard one and it seemed to last forever. I lay in bed through the whole thing and moaned and wished it would end. I felt weak as a cat during the post-ictal phase and had a pretty bad headache for hours after that. I took a walk much later, thinking the fresh air might help with the headache, but it didn't. It did kind of ease up later though and I even managed to work out a little- which helped my spirit feel a little stronger.
I began explaining earlier today that everything has changed since the 23rd of January, the day I woke up feeling so strange. That feeling has remained, though not nearly as strong. Yet it's always there, sizzling in the background. It seems to be that well-known epileptic daze that I often talk about- only it's different as I've already mentioned. How to describe it? Maybe I could say that it's sharper, more intense in a certain way. Concentration is more difficult. There's like more of a buffer between me and the world. I often forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it too, and that hasn't happened in a long time.
The seizures themselves have changed as well. They're more intense and they're nastier, more unpleasant in some inexplicable way. I am often unable to speak for short periods of time during them. I've been having occasional bouts of nausea since that day too. I've written before that nausea scares me because I associate it with grand mal seizures.
I met one of my charges in town last Thursday afternoon, and it was my last appointment of the day. I began to feel weaker and weaker as I walked home from the appointment and felt a sense of relief as I finally walked around the corner and into our courtyard. I stopped to quickly check the mail, and then a heavy complex partial seizure hit me and I went to my knees- right out there in the courtyard next to the mailbox. I must have knelt out there holding onto the side of the house for 5 minutes or so, hoping nobody would come out and see me like that. Nobody did. As soon as it let up a little I made my way into the apartment on shaky legs. I had another seizure about an hour later, but it wasn't quite as bad. I wasn't of much use for anything for the rest of that evening. I can't even tell you what I did anymore.
This is no fun, that's for sure. Sometimes I wonder if it will be this way for the rest of my time here on this earth? Never knowing when the next seizure will hit or how hard it will be? Never leaving the house without my medical bracelet on, my rescue medication and 20,-€ for a taxi with me- just in case? Never knowing how I'll feel the next day but knowing I'll have to go to work anyway- even if it's really bad?
My Father in heaven knows where I am and what I'm going through. If he is allowing me to go through this there must be a reason for it. I trust him fully and without reserve.
I would love to read any comments anyone might have...
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