Epilepsy Update 20 November 2016

Yesterday I wrote about the horrible field trip to Stuttgart I went on for work at the beginning of November, and I'd like to tell about how the story continued after that. I explained how my fiance, Conny, picked me up upon my return from that trip, how I threw my bag in the car, she drove me home, how I tore my clothes off and jumped into bed and slept for a few hours. Conny took good care of me after I woke up later that evening. She made dinner and brought it to me as I sat on the couch in the living room watching some kind of brainless film on YouTube, and she generally pampered me for the rest of the evening. That was Friday and I remained in the apartment the entire weekend, except for one short walk in the forest on Sunday. What I did over the weekend was very therapeutic; Conny is very sporty and athletic, as am I myself, and her main sport is biking. The problem is that she can't bike in the sense of sport over the winter due to the weather. So we bought a stand some time ago that a bike can be mounted on, making it possible to ride it in the apartment. On top of that I had gotten an old, used bike for her especially for that purpose.

 Well, I spent that weekend stripping that bike down to the basics, oiling everything, putting new wheels on it, putting a new chain on it, and basically renewing the whole thing for her. Then I mounted it on that stand and let her have a go at it. The way her face beamed the first time she got up on that thing and started peddling made my heart soar like an eagle! My eyes got moist and I thought, "It's good to be alive, after all." She also said one of those female things when she thanked me that felt good even though I knew it was only one of those female things designed to make a man feel good. She said, "Thank you so much! I just could not have done that without you! I would not have been able to get all of those bolts off and stuff..."

Now, the whole time I was working on that bike I was alone and I had no music playing, no sound. Absolute stillness. I consciously worked on quieting my heart. I told myself that the anxiety that was gripping me simply goes along with Epilepsy and is only an illusion, that there is no realistic reason for it. Everything is ok. I have time. This is free-time. I have all day. I have nowhere I must go, nothing I must do. I took a good look at my life. In truth I have only one problem in my life, and that is the Epilepsy. Other than that I literally do not have even one single problem. I have a wonderful woman who I will be marrying in June, two adult children who both have university degrees and are doing well in life. I have a dream job and make enough money to provide for all of my needs, so that I literally want for nothing at all. I have no debts. I have my own little weight gym here at home and work out every day. 

 I may not have a car but I have a very good, very expensive cross bike. 

And as I worked on Conny's bike I was pleased with the fact that I have every tool that a man could wish for, and they felt good in my hands as I lovingly prepared that bike for the woman I love. I have everything! 

The one and only problem I have in life is Epilepsy. 

As is normal with Epilepsy I kept experiencing black-outs over and over again as I was working on that bike. I would have a wrench in my hand and suddenly forget what I wanted to do with it. In the course of working I began to be able to just become quiet and let that happen instead of fighting it. I waited a moment and then it came back to me. Then I continued with whatever I was doing. I became more and more relaxed as I went on and my mood began to lift somewhat. 

I continued to recover quickly from that field trip and there followed eight days in which I only had one single seizure, and that was short and light. My mood was pretty good and my head was quite clear. My body felt young and I had a lot of energy. I zipped around town on my bike from appointment to appointment and my work was very successful. It didn't even bother me that it was rainy for most of the week- once again, my dream job provides me with enough money that I am able to afford the highest quality gore-tex biking rain jacket. 



It couldn't stay that way, of course...

Sure enough that good phase began to crumble around the edges after those eight good days, but I had been expecting it and hoped I was prepared this time. I knew that my emotions would try and crash and that anxiety would try and take my soul over- along with the seizures and migraines. I en-devoured to remain calm inside and ride it out, to accept it and not fight it. Indeed, my emotions did try and crash over and over again in the course of the next week. Indeed, anxiety did try and infuse me and take over my soul repeatedly. Each time they did I consciously reminded myself that it was all an illusion. I reminded myself that this was only another flare-up starting and that it would pass. I reminded myself over and over again that I needed to let it happen, go slow and take it easy. Control my environment as much as I can, avoid what I can't where possible, and cope with what I can't as best I can. 

That flare-up, or bad phase, began last weekend and went on throughout all of last week. I had three seizures on Monday which left me with a migraine that lasted the rest of the week, complete with the fried brain and all of the trimmings. I had a couple more minor seizures during the week as well. I still had to work all day, every day throughout the week anyway, but as I said I somehow managed to keep my emotions and the anxiety under control and to accept the seizures and the migraine. Another thing I did was to cancel all free-time activities and stay home every evening, relaxing and enjoying peace and quiet. Working out in my home gym, going out to eat with Conny, or watching some brainless film on YouTube.

The result was that the bad phase went by a lot easier. Work went by a lot easier. Work was a lot more productive. I was able to control my environment much better because I wasn't consumed by depression or paralyzed by anxiety. I was aware of the fact when I was beginning to be in danger of sensory overload and able to react immediately to stop it- even if it meant telling a colleague that they needed to stop talking to me for a moment (and simply walking away if they didn't!), or leaving the office to take a short walk around the block, just to name a couple of examples. I scheduled less appointments and left more time between the ones I did make. I spoke slower and rode my bike slower and walked slower and just did everything I did slower. When someone spoke too fast I asked them to speak slower. 


That's the only way to go...
Don't fight it... 
Accept it and deal with it... 


Does anyone have any thoughts on this?